Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
