you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
