we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
