I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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