The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
