Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
