In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
