Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
