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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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