Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Oh god it's open bar.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
