Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
