The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
