oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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