I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
