Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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