I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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