so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
BRING THE BAGELS
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
