My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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