now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.