she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...