Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
even my farts smell like vagina
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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