I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
