apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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