I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
