just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
