Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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