I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
