saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
