mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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