He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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