seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
