so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
