I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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