So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
