It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
