You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
