Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
