I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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