I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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