I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
