Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
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