easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
ttyl tear gas
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
