so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
