New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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