Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
