The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
