Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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