What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
