I hate your face
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
