I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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