I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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