I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
