Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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