you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
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i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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