Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
