she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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