I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
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Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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