So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
