You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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