Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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