He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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